Our True Self

A friend posted this video.
In trying to use my time better, and enjoy and live life a little more, I want to share this with each of you.

Sometimes, things seem to crash all around. Sometimes its completely out of our control. And sometimes, we (I) just drop the ball. Everywhere. I screw up. Big time. In multiple situations. And it seems like everyone else has it so much more together than I. No one else would be such a fool.

So here's to any of us who may have felt totally out of place, not as wanted as another, not a part of a group- here's to any of us who have some time felt like 'everyone else' is cuter, funnier, prettier, stronger, more talented, nicer, better cooks, w/e it may be- Here's to us who have ever felt down and despairing.

You (and I) are children of the Most High. When I think of how much I love my own kids, and I realize that God loves me even more than that-
I am of Worth.
Infinite Worth.

And so are you.

Time

Seriously. Where does it go?

I remember when I was younger, the year seemed to drag by. It was forever between my birthdays, Christmas, the school year starting again- and it makes sense. I mean, when you're 5, a year is a whopping 1/5 of your life. So birthdays ARE really far apart. But, the older you get, the smaller the fraction of your life a particular time segment is- thus the time starts whizzing by.

Are we seriously about to hit August? And another school year? Have we been here in good ol' Gunnison for almost a YEAR?

How did Anna get to be close to 6.5 months?

How did I get to be ALMOST TWENTY-FIVE??? (yes. Kinda freaking out about this one)

How is Christian going to be 4??

How can it be Friday tomorrow? Where did this week GO?

I seem to start each day with a few things that I really must get done.
problem is, I start many days needing to get the same thing done. But before I know it, the day is gone. And I'm waking up again thinking that today I really must get it done. And suddenly an entire week has gone by. eek.

I love my life. I am so grateful for it. I am grateful for my incredible husband, amazing kids, wonderful family, fabulous friends, beautiful home, feel-good community, free country, my testimony of the restored gospel, my talents, my abilities, the support of my hubbins to keep trying new things-

I have been trying to be a little more in the here and now in life and it seems like now it's on turbo speed. Stop! Slow down! I am enjoying myself and this life I am living! I certainly don't want to wish it away, pining for the future or the next big thing, or the dreaded yet oh-so-easy 'I'll be happy when' trap.

I need to work on my time management skills a little more. While there's not time to get it all done, I can certainly work on using the precious time that I do have a little more...resourcefully.

Hm. Speaking of which. I have a man sitting here (er, on the couch reading)who could use some good companionship time. Heaven knows I could too.

Adieu!

6 Months

Anna is 6 months old.

How?

How is this possible?

She is my baby. My sweet, sweet baby.

When we told people that we were having a girl, the reaction was usually relief for us. "Oh, good! I bet you're SO excited to have GIRL! After 2 Boys!!" sort of thing.

Truthfully? I wanted another boy. I really, really wanted another boy. It was going to be Perfect. 3 boys- 2 in the bunk bed, the 3rd would eventually get a trundle under the bunk. 3 boys, then maybe 3 girls. (ha!) I had it all planned out.

But no, 'it' was a girl. All 9 months of pregnancy I had the teeniest, tiniest doubt on my new babe's gender. When she was born, I asked "so, is she still a girl?" before they handed her over.

Now. Do NOT misunderstand me. I love my boys. I. Love. My. Boys. Any fly on our walls will tell you that I can hardly let go of them. I kiss them embarrassingly much. (embarrassing to Mr. Summerhays, I guess. They don't mind...yet.. :) ) Christian and Mommy: "Christian- how much does Mommy Love you?" C: "To Infinity, and Beyond!" I can't get enough of them. I ask daily if I can eat them. Or kiss their faces off. I have yet to receive permission. :/

but Anna. My sweet, sweet Anna. My boys love me. They always have. As babies, they loved me. A lot. I could tell. So could everyone else.

But Anna. Anna loves me. More than I feel I could possibly deserve. The way she looks at me. The way she always wants me. Mama can make everything better in her eyes.

In high school, I loved the song "In my Daughter's Eyes". When I was pregnant with each of the 3 kids, I loved it, and would just kinda think of it in a boy-related manner. But with Anna- I feel that song so true, so strongly.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise
And I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh, It puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel
Like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow
And someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

Anna. I simply cannot express to you how much I love you. It was a scary ride getting you here to earth, to our family. You were in my constant prayers. Heavenly Father blessed me with a very special experience about a week or two before you were born, and I hope one day you'll understand it.

Sweet girl. I am so imperfect. In so many ways I am not the person I want to be. (I am working on it!) But, I love you. Dear, I Love you. Grandma Summerhays told me many times while we were waiting for you to come to just take time and enjoy you. That it was the 3rd child (daddy himself!) that made her finally slow down a little bit. I've really tried to take that to heart. I have rocked you a little more, held you closer, tighter, and longer. I have let the laundry and the dishes sit. I have wept many tears of joy that I am allowed to be your mama.

Why is it that we never understand our parents' love for us until we become parents ourselves? Honestly, even now, I think- surely my parents can't love me as much as I love my kids. (Or maybe they could, when I was a sweet baby, or a cute little kid. But now that I'm a full-fledged adult? Maybe the love weans a little bit? I have no idea. Urgh. Why is it that the wisdom doesn't come until the time has passed?)

Anna- I want you to know I am honestly trying my best. I want to be the best mama I possibly can for you. for your brothers. How grateful I am to the three of you- sometimes when it seems like I just can't do anything right to anyone else, and that everyone just sees my imperfections out on a neon billboard, I can turn to you- and you love me. You smile at me. You give me a kiss. You just love. No hesitations. No reservations. No conditions, qualifications, limitations, or exceptions. I think your love, the love of a child, is given to us to help us understand our Savior's love. He doesn't love us less when we mess up, make a mistake, or just do something downright dumb. We don't have to try all our lives to 'earn' his love. He just Loves.

Thank you. Thank you for your simple, true love. Thank you for making me feel worthwhile, needed, wanted, and irreplaceable.

I love you. Happy 6 months. :)

-Mama